I find myself in an old familiar place these days as I work with a local government agency to define how they want to change. The familiar place is the outsider–coach, consultant, advisor, content expert–working with insiders to figure out how to change. One thing is clear. Organizations don’t change. People in them do. So, how to enable this as an advisor? First, some wisdom from an ex-husband. When I asked Larry if he thought empowerment worked as a way to change, he said, “Anything works if you do it.” So here is the first gold secret of change: you gotta wanna. And you gotta do the actions every day to move you to the new place of having changed. If your consultant/advisor wants you to, that isn’t good enough. If your boss wants you to, that isn’t good enough either. If your wife, child, mother-in-law wants you to–well, you get the idea. Even if you want to, that isn’t enough. You have to do something regularly that is different from what you’ve done before. Remember the definition of insanity: expecting different results from the same behavior.

So, here is the potentially great organization and the leaders want others to change. Sound familiar? Who can we control? Not others for sure. Not wives, or bosses, or employees. We can only change ourselves, and that’s tough enough. The next gold secret of change is that if you want somebody else to change, you have to first change yourself. In changing yourself, you have to do it FOR yourself, not to manipulate the other into change. They always get what you’re trying to do. Really. You know this if you’ve been on the receiving end of organizational change. Either your boss makes all the right noises, but does nothing different, or he does something different and looks at you while he’s doing it. You must change for you.

Finally, if somebody wants you to change, and you know this change is good for you (losing weight, stopping smoking or drinking or gossiping), but you don’t really want to, try “acting as if.” This is the last gold secret of change. If you know you must change and you don’t want to or you’re scared that you can’t, act as if. Just for a week, act as if you want to. Keep food records. Go to the smoking cessation clinic. Reduce the number and size of your cocktails. Hold your tongue. What did you learn after a week? Do you feel better? Do you WANT to try for another week? Changing is simple. You have to lay track. You have to do different things for long enough to create a new habit and therefore a new you.

Happy New Year! Love the change you act into!

I’ve been writing recently about strengthening inner resources even when these resources are challenged. One way to strengthen the inner core, what Greg Nelson (www.flyagaincoaching.com) calls our “ballast,” is to enhance our self efficacy. Self efficacy means (to me) our core belief in ourselves. It is bigger than self-confidence, which for me tends to be situational, and is more like acceptance and celebration of who I am. This morning one of my academic colleagues, Darlene Van Tiem, sent me this story:

Think back to when you were in high school or your child was in high school. You may have wanted to go out for a sport in order to get a letter. You began thinking - “What sports might I consider? I could do baseball, but I am not good at batting. I could do swimming, but my legs are not strong for kicking. I could do golf, I get excellent scores. Which would you choose? You could choose the biggest problem area - why not? Don’t we want to resolve our problems? Or would you choose the sport that you are already good at and then make it better? Of course, everyone says the sport that you are already good at. Then, I ask them
to think about life. If you were terrible at fixing your car and it was a big problem area, would you do a major repair yourself or take your car to an expert? How about barbecuing, if you are good at outdoor cooking, would you invite people over for a picnic? In real life, don’t we all build on our strengths?

I believe that building on strengths also builds self efficacy, and building self efficacy strengthens this inner knowing that we are uniquely suited to fulfill OUR purpose in this world, whatever that purpose is. As we get older–older than 40–perhaps, we often see that we are happiest doing certain things, being in certain situations, and with certain people all of which nurture us in some way. We probably do this unconsciously. By the time we are approaching 60 we might be pretty secure, or even stuck in these activities, situations and relationships. What new way might you see to enhance your skills, talents and self-efficacy to more closely or completely express your purpose?

After my last post I received this message from one of my clients: “Sara, thanks for sharing this. You may also want to consider - will I be proud of myself and of the work I performed even if I or my work is considered a failure by others? We seem to place so much self-worth on the expectations and perceptions of others that we can easily lose our own voice.”

This is a profound response to my original thinking about self-worth and self-actualization and it has made me think more deeply about pride and self-worth. My deepest struggle over the last two years has been around an issue where some others see me as unprincipled. The pull of this perception has been very strong. There have been many days when I questioned my own intentions and actions with the issue and people in question. So many others have encouraged me to lay it down. I have been able to do so for long or short periods of time. As I look at this issue in light of my client’s deeply felt response to my “water line” post, I see that one of the hardest challenges of being proud of myself may be in letting go of the perception of failure by others. My voice was lost in reactive flailing for over a year. It was further lost in protective silence. If I have learned nothing else in this period, I have learned to be ever watchful that I do not do this intentionally to others who may be my clients, friends, students, or family.

And, joy of joys, little proud peeps are emerging.

In the last two weeks I’ve been especially aware of the climate change in Northern California. After putting all of my summer clothes away, the heat has stayed, and stayed, and stayed. A picture in this morning’s San Francisco Chronicle shows waves lapping over the causeway to the Richmond Bridge (transit from the East Bay to the North Bay) as a result of rising water levels in the Bay. So I’m particularly aware of water lines right now.

I was introduced to another facet of this water line business last night at East Bay Coaches, by our speaker, Greg Nelson (Fly Again Coaching, www.flyagaincoaching.com). As a sailor, he looks at water lines as a demarcation of what people can see (sails, mast, boom) and what people can’t (keel, most of the hull). He equates what is above the line with what we show to the world (our image) with what we show to ourselves (our soul, our spirit, our values, purpose and dreams).

It is only in my 65th year that I am moving my attention from what’s above the water line (how I look to the world) to below (how I look to me). I still care about how I look to the world. I’m a clothes horse, a hair experimenter, and a public speaker. But I care less than I have in the past. When we were asked to write a purpose statement last night I wrote: I want to be a person I’M proud of. How will I know that this is true? I will ask myself before I do anything, “Will I be proud of how I acted when this is done?” What is your purpose statement and how does it relate to your water line?

Yesterday I visited my regular massage therapist.  Since I met her in a religious community, it probably isn’t odd that we began to talk about adjusting our spiritual or religious practices as we age.  I am seminary educated and believed that I would, at one point in my past, be ordained in a liberal protestant denomination.  I decided against the path of ordination but not against a quest to understand and find a spiritual path of integrity for myself.

Part of what I have found to work for me are the positive processes for change.  Judgment, evaluation, sarcastic fault-finding and fixing haven’t worked for me for many years.  I long to feel connected to a positive “power greater than myself” as 12 Steppers say.  I have not found enough of what I’m looking for.  I have glimpses of it.  I feel awe, particularly at dusk, often fills me with wonder at the beauty and bounty of this world.  Any ocean warm or cold calms my internal fires of anxiety.  The sounds of moving water–creeks, waterfalls, fountains, even the little electronic ones in doctor’s offices–soothe me in a way that is spiritual.

As I think about the changes I want to make, I know that one is to find a spiritual practice and a belief or beliefs that have integrity for me and that feed my soul.  What have you found that works for you?

This survey is foundational for a book project I’m working on with an editor of a major west coast publisher.  It is about change that people over 55 initiate and experience.  My hypothesis is that older people (not OLD people) have more psychic space to think about the way they really want their lives to be, and to create those lives.  The space has been created by losses and changes.  For most, 55, 60, or 65 is a time to think about changing our professional lives to less demanding (but perhaps more satisfying) lives.  It is also a time when children are mostly grown and if they are living at home, they are at least semi-independent.  Relationships may also have changed.  Perhaps there has been a divorce, death, or remarriage.  All of these things contribute to the space that may exist for you now.

If you choose to answer this survey and return it, I will keep your name, geographic location, and any specific identifiers confidential.  I would want the right to use your age and your narrative, as it is relevant to my work.  If you have questions, please feel free to contact me through this website or at slocookin@comcast.net.  Thanks in advance for your participation.

Name:_____________________________

Contact (email and/or phone)__________________________________

Age:________________________________

Marital or partner status____________________________

Any other descriptor that you think would be helpful in describing how you see change at your age (illness, athletic pursuits, eating choices, professional role):__________________________________________________________

1.       If you could make a change in your life without effort or pain, and without causing pain to anyone else, what would that be right now?________________________________________________________________________

2.       How do you approach changes that you want to make, or how did you approach changes that you have made in the last 3-5 years (made a plan, used a coach, just did it, kept a journal, etc.)?________________________________________________________________________

3.       Does thinking about change, or acting on changes that you want, feel different to you now than it did when you were 20, 30, or 40?__________________________________________________________________________

4.        Can you describe the last change you made (changed jobs, quit working full-time, got married, lost weight) and how you went about that change?  Would this process have been different when you were younger?_____________________________________________________________________

5.       If you were in a course about change after 55, or a group of people your own age, what questions would you ask of your peers or wise counselors about how to change now?______________________________________

6.       If you feel like your life finally makes sense, or has always made sense just the way it is, how have you intentionally crafted this life to be this way?_____________________________________________________________

I know that all of my readers are not over 55.  But you all have relatives and friends.  The favor of passing this on is sincerely appreciated–in advance.

______________________________________________________________________

So, I’m getting thinner.  Almost 20 pounds now.  And I’m working–we’re working (my husband and I)–with a relationship coach.  And I’m finding ways to be quiet every day–walking, sitting quietly, messing with my potted gardens on my decks.  In obvious and not so obvious ways, I’m chipping away at both the shell of me, and the essence of me.  I haven’t done anything on this journey that I haven’t wanted to do–that was and is a rule.  No discipline for the sake of discipline.  No dragging myself into actions I have no interest in performing.  Only actions I want to try, to repeat and to continue.

Still, this journey has had its ups and downs.  The relationship work has been particularly challenging.  What changes are you making and what surprises have you found along the way?  Where are your biggest challenges and how have you managed them?  I want and welcome all the help I can get!

I am no expert on our financial crisis.  As I have read newspapers and watched breaking news on television and the web, I have come to understand that this is a crisis of trust.  We have long allowed the Wall Street boys (as I worked for 7 years for one of the big investment firms, I can assure you they are mostly boys, no matter what their chronological ages) to create ever more exotic instruments, theoretically safe, but so esoteric that more than one reporter has characterized them as “not understandable by the people who were selling them.”  Wall Street has always bred a particularly virulent brand of greed.  This is nothing new.  And it is not new that they dig themselves into deep holes from which we, the country, are asked to extricate them.

What seems frightening now is that we are all in this hole with the greedy boys and don’t seem willing to pull ourselves out through this very imperfect bailout, due to vengeance and a rampant lack of trust.  The Republicans are blaming Democratic liberal policies, and Nancy Pelosi for her fiery speech about the necessity to get behind this bill, even if it did come from George Bush’s administration.  The Democrats are conveniently blaming well-meaning and conscientious Republicans for all of the policy of “their” president, one who now seems to enjoy no support at all from anyone, including his own party.  We the people have long distrusted politicians in general, but have voiced that distrust by not voting, a silent protest designed, I suppose, to condemn them all.  We need them now, and we need to support their hard decision-making.  They need each other to build the courage to move forward together.

If we are to get out of this thing alive, grandstanding has to stop, and distrust must be suspended.  I know what it feels like to be betrayed.  I know distrust in my bones.  I even sympathize with the Republican who said yesterday that he thought the bailout would pass, that everybody else would vote for it, so he could vote his constituency and vote no.  Paying the CEO of Goldman Sachs ONLY $500,000 annually during the period of recovery may seem like a slug in the nose to all of us who’ve never seen that much money in one year, but it may be the only way to get the greedy boys to come to the party, and the government to do its hard work to get us out of this.

Have we learned anything about trust and greed in this crisis?  I wouldn’t bet on reducing the greed motive .  I just wouldn’t.  There is too much testosterone alive and well in this world.  Too many opportunities for toy accumulation.  Witness the arrival of the yacht, the Maltese Falcon, in San Francisco harbor this week.  The yacht is owned by a Silicon Valley venture capitalist–maker of REAL money–according to a New York Times editorial on Sunday.  But this is still emblematic of greed and the imbalance of wealth in this country.

I hope, however, that trust can be restored in this crisis.  That our politicians can stop sniveling and finger pointing now and start working for resolution.  This isn’t easy after the last eight years.  Many of us feel we’ve suffered far too much already, Republicans and Democrats alike.  Perhaps we had to come to this crisis to see how destructive partisan politics actually is, and how distrust can kill an idea, a potential solution, and even a country.

This morning I spent a half hour or so in an increasingly familiar activity–talking to a help desk in India about a technology issue.  My help professional, Victor, “took over” my computer and commented on my desktop wallpaper–a stock photo of three 60ish aged women in bathing suits and the wonderful old poofy flowered bathing caps.  When Victor asked about the women, I said I was writing a book about 60 year old women.  He commented on their wise faces, and their beauty.  As he did his work, he asked about the flowers on their heads, having never seen such bathing caps.  I laughed and told him that at one time, these bathing caps were considered both feminine and fashionable.  Then he asked what the book was about.  I said that I was interested in change and its meaning at that time of life.  He asked why I was interested in women this age.  I said I was one.  I suggested that when one’s hard charging days are over or at least somewhat less intense, and one has more time (perhaps) to devote to personal change, it might look different from change at 25 or 40.  Victor worked on the settings on my computer.  A few minutes later he said, “In India, when a married couple reaches the age of 60 they have a celebration with children, grandchildren, friends and the community.  It is essentially another marriage ceremony and signifies the entry into an important new age.”

I love thinking about this.  As Victor told me more about the old traditions around this ceremony, and how contemporary Indians celebrate it, I thought about marking change in some public, official way in my own culture.  I also thought about the recognition that this stage of life is important and significant to Indians, not, as in this country, a time to slink quietly off to the golf course or knitting class.  The changes I have embarked on are, at least in part, because I want to continue to contribute to my community and my world, but in a more focused and meaningful way than I have been able to do with the pressures of active parenting and earning a living.

Victor told me at the end of our call that I had inspired him.  The feeling was mutual.  I so appreciated his reaching out and connecting with me on a personal level.  Even though I couldn’t see him, or he me, I felt we each had made a friend.  Victor’s story of his traditions added significantly to my understanding of what change could be after 60.

When my weight management/lifestyle coach suggested that I institute a reward for exercising every day, I couldn’t think of one that felt like a reward.  All of those things I thought of and some that she suggested (15 minutes of reading, watching the last episode of Mad Men On Demand, buying a new lipstick) were things I’d do anyway.  So what did rewarding myself mean?

 My coach told a story of how, when she began to exercise at the gym, she told herself she couldn’t have a shower that day until after she had exercised.  Is that a reward?  Perhaps.  It may have been more of a reward for those around her than for her (ask me about my stepson’s rank odor after he has ridden his bike for 10 miles).  But there was something about this.  My favorite time of the day is after dinner when the dishes are done and before I watch TV, when I sink into my deep bathtub, filled with lavender scented water that will reach to my shoulders.  I just luxuriate.  I read catalogues or novels or the New York Times Book Review in there.  Sometimes I drop my reading material into the bathwater so some of my books are really ruffled.  But I love this time.  So saying that I can’t take a bath until I exercise is really a non-negotiable for me.  I want my bath, therefore I will exercise. 

 What might your incentive or reward be to do something you should do, that is ultimately good for you, but that might be hard to start?  A movie from Netflix, a massage, a walk in the woods (not a run in the woods–that’s exercise), or a break to listen to your favorite music, maybe it’s cooking or even cleaning.  Whatever pulls you is your incentive.